please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
