im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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