I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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