i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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