So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I have aggressive nipples.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
