just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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