I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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