Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
