i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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