I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Randomize
