This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
