Cold hands, warm shart.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Mom said you looked used
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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