why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
