walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
