in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
