At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
