My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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