I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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