I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize