Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
i believe in u and ur pee
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
