Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize