If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
