Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
