You don't have asthma, your pregnant
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
