I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
