i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
