I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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