oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
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