I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
