im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
