i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
My feet surprised me
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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