I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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