All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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