Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
