Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
