im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
