I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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