Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
