it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
