1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
