You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
my liver is dry heaving
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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