im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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