just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize