We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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