Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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