WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize