i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
