Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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