Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
