New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
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