My hand turned me down
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
