i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
