It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
