I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
