youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
