his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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