i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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