My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
