i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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