we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
