i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
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