Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
