Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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