I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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