just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
