she was so not down for the gang bang
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
