If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
