Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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