Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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