If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
