Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
