Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
