Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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