my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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