You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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